A Letter to Neale

Dear Neale...

Growing up, I always drew and I planned on going to school for Art, but when it came to the end of Senior year (I remember it like it was yesterday), we were sitting in the counselor's office and they told us how much Art school would be and how expensive the materials were and what my chances were of achieving a profitable/successful career in Art, we decided not to do it. 

I was worried about leaving all that debt in my parents' name, when they knew I could not afford it. I didn't think it would be smart to have that kind of debt for myself after school, so I chose to just go to Community College and take office classes and have a "safe, secure" office job. 

Needless to say, I've been struggling ever since.  I have gone up and down and accepting it, then something else comes up and the regret and sadness is almost unbearable at times.  I have had such difficulty sustaining a position in the Corporate World (not that I wasn't successful or capable, but just not truly happy doing what I'm doing).  There are days where I'm sitting here and I feel there is no real meaning in what I'm doing and I'm not motivated.  Now, I'm in a good company, and the people I work with are wonderful, especially my boss and the VP they are such terrific people, and there is a lot of opportunity, and the company is very employee and growth-oriented, but now my husband's nieces' are going to college and hearing them going for what they REALLY want to do (one is in Theater and the other is in Marine Biology) really makes me jealous. 

I know that's a terrible thing to say.  I am happy for them, but it brings all the sadness and regret back.  I would be willing to enroll myself in the college of my dreams - Columbia College in Chicago - but the money and logistics would cost my husband too much.  I don't know what to do to reconcile this.  I think of how different my life would have been if I had just gone and done it and where I'd be now.  I understand completely it was my own choice that brought me here.  In fact, just before I met my husband, at 26, I went to an open house and was SOOOOOO close to signing up.  I spoke with a counselor, talked details, and I had a plan.  I was going to sell my condo, quit my job, work downtown and get a place down there and go to school. 

I nearly did it.  In fact, I even called the local Community College and spoke with an Art teacher there and asked what the "real" chances of an Art career would be, etc. and got the same speech the counselor 8 years prior gave me.  So, instead of enrolling at Columbia, I met my husband, enrolled in an art class at a local Community College and chickened out when I found out the model was going to be nude!  Ha! Ha!  It was probably more of an excuse to spend more time with my husband.

Anyway, I fully know I'm responsible, I just don't know how to change it.  I've spoken to my husband before, but it's just out of the question.  It's very, very hard for me to believe that things were "meant to be" or "happen for a reason."  I've tried that before, but the pain is too real when something comes hitting me in the face again, like what I'm going through with his nieces.

As I write this, I fear that I already know the answer, but I would like to hear what you have to say.   When I say I "fear" the answer, it is because it would hurt my husband deeply for me to just go and enroll in this expensive Art school -or- that you will tell me to just stay where I am because it's so great (I also know how ridiculous that sounds that staying someplace great would be painful!!).  Any words of wisdom would be much appreciated.  It just hurts.

Thank you, Neale!

Neale Responds

My dear friend...

the first thing I would do is show this e-mail to your husband. I mean immediately. Right now. And you may also feel free to show him my answer. If your husband truly loves you, and I am absolutely certain that he does, his heart will open wide when he realizes how deeply you are hurting. You and he will then find a way to make your dreams come true.

Work in partnership with your husband on this. Do not work at cross purposes. Co-create your life together. There is more than one way to shake the apple from the tree. There is a State of Being that your soul yearns to experience, and you have it in your mind that the only way you can do this is to attend an expensive art school.  Perhaps that is the only way, but I am betting otherwise.  I would like you to read the booklet, Bringers of the Light. This will place your dilemma into a new context and help you to more clearly understand what your next step might be.

Remember always that you are a soul traveling with your body. Your soul is up to something. It is seeking to experience itself in a particular way. There are more ways than one to do that.  On the other hand, maybe it is about going to an expensive art school, graduating, and becoming a working artist or an art teacher. That option, too, should be deeply explored. Sit down with your husband, set your intentions with regard to your State of Being, and enjoy the wonder and the celebration of creating together your Perfect Tomorrow.

Now Go. Print this out and give it to your husband right now. If he is not there, put it where he will see it the moment that he returns to your space. Discuss it tonight. Do not let the conversation be postponed.

With Love,