A Letter to Neale

Hi Neale.

I'm 18 years old. My mom and dad divorced when I was about 6 years old and a few years later, my mom met another man. I'll call him Bill.

My mom, me, and my brother were not well off and Bill not only helped us financially but also took us all over the country traveling. Two years ago, they finally married.

About two months ago, my mom was looking for something in the garage and she found a receipt for a pinhole spy camera. It turned out that there was a camera in the vent in my bathroom and we also found another hole in the wall in my bedroom but without a camera in it.

My mom called the police and they searched the house and he was eventually charged with voyeurism and public indecency. I've struggled with this so much. I forgave him 2 days after we found the camera. We were both crying and hugging so hard. But then the police ordered a no-contact charge, meaning that he couldn't be in the house while I was in it or even talk to me. Suddenly, he became very mean.

Through the time we've known him, we know that he is a compulsive liar so it's hard to trust anything he says. He asked my mom "She forgave me, why can't you?" My mom and I are constantly paranoid that he'll do something else.

As you can imagine, my family and friends all want me to sue Bill because he's a "dirty old man." Now I have to make the choice of whether to sue this man who I've loved and who's loved me, or whether to let it go. My mom does need the money from a lawsuit to get a house and a car but I just don't know what I want to do. I'm afraid any sign of love that I show towards Bill can be used against me later on if I really do go through with the lawsuit.

I try to show love and kindness because I know that's what I really want to do deep down, but it's hard with everyone around me calling him bad names and pushing me to sue him for all he's worth.   Any suggestions would be extremely helpful.

Thank you.

Julia 

Neale Responds

Dear Julia...

I am so sorry that this has happened to you. It is a big challenge for you to have to face. I can understand your mixed and confused feelings about all this. When we are confused, it seems to me that it is always a good idea to follow the feelings that are deepest in our heart.

      Two things that you said in your letter struck me. First, you said, "I forgave him 2 days after we found the camera. We were both crying and hugging so hard." Then, later, you said, "I try to show love and kindness because I know that's what I really want to do deep down..." Julia, I think that these words out of your own mouth pretty much answer your question.

          Now, it is important to understand the difference between forgiving someone and opening oneself to further abuse.

          Under no circumstances would I allow myself to recreate a level of physical closeness or contact in the relationship that would make it possible for such a thing to ever happen again, or, for that matter, for ANY kind of inappropriate physical interaction to take place.

       In other words, I would steer clear of any personal or singular contact with Bill. Show him love and forgiveness from a distance.

       As for a lawsuit, I was also struck with this statement from your note. "My mom does need the money from a lawsuit to get a house and a car, but I just don't know what I want to do."

        Julia, of all the reasons to file a lawsuit, that would be the worst one, in my opinion. Lawsuits are not vehicles through which we produce income that we need. Lawsuits are vehicles through which we redress wrongs and recover damages. We sometimes go to the courts to seek compensation for emotional or physical distress. You do not seem to have suffered either.      

        On the contrary, you seem to be in wonderful emotional health around all of this, and to have sustained no physical damage whatsoever.

       This does not mean that what happened should be taken lightly. But what it does mean is that you were not hurt by it in any significant or substantial way. One appropriate action under such a circumstance, it seems to me, would be, as I said, to forgive the offense, and then protect yourself against the slightest possibility of anything close to that ever occurring again.

        There is a school of thought that says that punitive damages should be assessed. In other words, you should sue Bill not because you suffered any real physical or emotional damage, but simply as a means of "punishing" Bill for his horrible offense. This brings up the whole question of "punishment" and its purpose.

        Does "punishment" have any purpose in the Universe? What IS its purpose--to teach someone a lesson? To "get even"? To produce an appropriate consequence? In there a difference between "punishment" and "consequence"?

       Does God "punish" us for our mistakes and offenses? What would God do now? If you were not just a person named Julia, but a Goddess sitting on the throne of authority, what would you do now?

        Other questions might be asked here as well. What would make an apparently otherwise considerate and loving person do a thing such as Bill has done? And what would make an otherwise seemingly nice person be a compulsive liar? These behaviors are the mark of a person who is not healed. And that is where the attention should be paid.

       One thing a person in your situation might do is to tell Bill that you ARE going to sue him unless he immediately seeks and follows through with professional counseling and ongoing therapy. He can either use some of his money to help your mom buy a house and a car (which is one reason you say you would consider filing a lawsuit), or he can use his money to help himself heal his own psychological wounds. He can have his choice.

        If he refuses to seek professional help--and perhaps even becomes angry at the very suggestion that he do so--that is a sure sign that he has not faced up to the fact that he even HAS a problem...and that's a very dangerous and important signal. If that was the case, I would then stay even FURTHER away from him, having no contact whatsoever, not even phone calls, and I might indeed sue him, if only as a means of waking him up.

       Then, if I prevailed in my lawsuit, I would do something quite striking. I would not give the money I was awarded to my mother to buy a house and a car, but, rather, I would place it in an escrow account at a bank, with instructions that it is to be made available only for payments to a licensed professional counselor or psychiatrist hired by Bill to help him resolve his personal issues. In other words, I would make Bill's own money available for his own use--but with pay-outs going only to a licensed professional member of the healing professions.

         If the money was not used by Bill in this fashion over a period of, say, five years, I would contribute it to a home for abused women, or to a charitable program for helping women recover from sexual abuse. In this way, Julia, you remove all personal financial gain from the equation. The purpose of your lawsuit will have been shifted from "punitive" to "rehabilitative." Even the lawsuit itself would be seen as a means to help Bill rehabilitate himself, if he really wanted to.

       You see, Julia, you may not know exactly what it is that you have been struggling with, but here is what I see: You do not want to use Bill's personal mental and emotional problems as a means of being awarded money to use for your, or your family's, own financial benefit. You do not want to "profit" from the personal mental illness or dysfunction of another. This is an entirely appropriate position for anyone with a high level of spiritual awareness. I am not surprised, Julia, that you would have these feelings.

       So, my friend, that is what I would do. I love you for asking the question, for caring enough not to simply plow ahead unfeelingly and unthinking, and for being compassionate enough to continue to hold Bill in a loving, if distant, light. Bill is obviously unhealed around the issues of sexuality, and around his entire image of self. You understand that. Thank you for demonstrating your understanding. You inspire me.   

Love,